


A Silent Cry for Help

by KaylaAnne2



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Destiel - Freeform, Fluff and Angst, Hurt!Cas, M/M, dean finally figures out that communication helps, human!Cas, self-harm scars
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-21
Updated: 2019-06-21
Packaged: 2020-05-16 02:21:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19308673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KaylaAnne2/pseuds/KaylaAnne2
Summary: Cas is struggling with humanity. The Winchesters don't realize how much he's struggling until after Cas gets hurt in a hunt and has to reveal some skin to be healed.





	A Silent Cry for Help

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warnings: mentions of self-harm, self-harm scars, implications of depression
> 
> If I missed any, make sure to comment, please and thank you! Otherwise, enjoy the fic!

Dean failed to notice the way Cas withdrew at random intervals after staring at Dean for so long with high intensity or that Cas began to get sloppy in hunts and flinched whenever Dean yelled at him for his recklessness. He failed to recognize that Cas shut down for days after Dean stormed out of the bunker after such discussions - or rather, lectures - or that he cradled his arms closer to him than usual, staying tense with darker circles under his eyes that never seemed to go away, even months after their last large blow up.

Sam noticed, but when he tried to talk with Cas, he shut down so far that he wouldn’t even respond to Sam, seeming to go in a trance that took hours to wake him from only after the promise of warm food and no more talks if he didn’t feel like it. Sam mentioned this to Dean that night over the phone while Dean was out for five days, the longest that he had ever been out after a fight, but Dean brushed it off. Sam went to bed worrying about Cas, but also noticed that Dean had come back that night and was sleeping up against Cas’s door - like he had been talking to Cas through the barrier - that night after the call.

Dean only noticed - or acknowledged - all of these things when Cas jumped in front of Dean to place himself between a witch’s ball of energy that burned straight to skin within seconds. Dean didn’t hesitate to gank the bitch, waiting to get the nod from Sam that she was dead before dropping to his knees and gathering Cas’s face in his hands. Cas looked at him through a haze, not fully focusing on Dean’s face and Dean tried to keep him awake. The burn was spreading, but neither Winchester knew what to do, so they called Rowena and sped to the bunker after she listed off ingredients that Sam recorded.

Dean had never reached the bunker in such a short amount of time before. Cas was sitting in the front, well, lying in the front with his head in Dean’s lap and Dean’s hand in his hair to soothe Cas’s whimpers. Cas seemed to be going in and out of consciousness and Dean parked the car with a screech (although still careful to hold Cas into place while doing so) and jumped out of the car, rushed to Cas’s side, and picked him up bridal-style (much to Cas’s weak protests).

Dean had never been more thankful for his rigorous training in the morning and evening than in that moment when he was able to easily carry Cas through the bunker to Dean’s room as Sam ran to gather ingredients. Dean was too busy working on Cas’s coat, tearing the remaining patches off. He slid the tie off and unbuttoned Cas’s shirt in record speed, but Cas jolted and placed a hand on Dean’s when Dean tried to tear the white button-up off of him.

“No, Dean, please,” Cas choked out.

“C’mon Cas. I need to get it off with the burns spreading as they are so we can rub the ointment on after the spell. You know this,” Dean encouraged, but when Cas continued to protest, Dean snapped. “Stop being such a baby and let us heal you.”

Dean ripped the shirt off the rest of the way and Cas shut down. Dean stared.

“Cas,” he choked.

Cas closed his eyes. Dean reached out and thought better when Cas flinched at the first touch of contact.

“Cas,” Dean repeated, feeling defeated as tears filled his eyes.

“Stop, Dean. Stop,” Cas whispered and Dean understood. He knew that Cas was struggling with humanity, but he didn’t realize -

“I got the-” Sam stopped in his tracks, gaping. Cas curled into himself on the bed and seemed ashamed, unable to stop trembling. Dean got the message.

“Sammy, I think I’m going to perform the spell and get him to bed,” he croaked and Sam nodded, but looked like he was about to say more. “I’ll talk to him. I won’t fuck this one up, Sammy, I promise.”

Sam looked at Dean with tears in his eyes and Dean understood the pain of seeing the proof of someone’s pain. Sam nodded and gently placed the mixed ointment and the spell on the bed before walking out.

“C’mon, Cas. Let’s heal you up, okay?” Dean asked and Cas shook his head. “Please. Please, Cas. Let me at least heal the physical pain. Let me do this.”

Cas raised his head and looked at Dean, eyes looking watery, but Dean stared right back, pleading with him to let him heal the physical before focusing on the mental pain. Cas uncurled and Dean gave him a wobbly smile.

“There ya go. Is it okay if I rub the cream on, Cas?” Dean asked and Cas nodded. “I need you to tell me openly here, Cas. Yes or no, please.”

“Yes,” Cas croaked and looked at Dean with a tilt of his head, as if trying to figure him out after all this time. Dean nodded and dipped his fingers in the ointment, slowly raising his hand to Cas’s chest and hesitating for a second before gently rubbing the cream in. Dean felt the raised skin across Cas’s chest and his arms as he worked it over the burn areas and Dean tasted bile in his mouth at the proof of Cas’s pain. Dean didn’t even realize, he didn’t catch, he should have, some are new, he should have.

Dean said the incantation quietly and as soon as Cas let out a breath of relief, Dean felt a weight life.

“Cas?” Dean asked after a moment as Cas started to sag, causing Cas to straighten again.

“Where else?” Dean continued. Cas looked down, but Dean reached forward and placed to fingers under Cas’s stubbly chin to lift his face to force Cas’s eyes to meet his. Cas looked at him with wide eyes before looking down and gesturing to his legs.

“May I?” Dean asked and Cas nodded.

“Yes,” Cas replied out loud and removed his pants so he was stripped to his boxers, revealing another array of scars. There seemed no pattern to it all, a cluster of raised skin. Some were redder than others and some seemed cut yesterday. Dean’s throat clenched, but he pushed through.

“Why? Some are new...was it something I-?” Dean asked before he couldn’t speak anymore.

“I’m sorry,” Cas said. “I know I’m just a burden and this must be the ‘final straw’, or so to speak. I can pack up tonight and leave by tomorrow morning-”

“Cas, what the fuck are you talking about?” Dean demanded, his voice more forced than necessary. “I would never expect you to leave, especially after seeing how much you’re hurting and if you ever thought I would kick you out-”

“You did. You did, Dean. You did.” Cas repeated over and over, each statement sounding more broken than the last. He had started to tremble again and tried to cover his body, but Dean couldn’t let Cas hide from him any longer. He should have seen the signs. He should have noticed his best friend in pain and, fuck. Dean’s tears fell down his cheeks hot and heavy as he sat down in the bed and gathered Cas into his arms, holding him tight.

Dean felt Cas sob and Dean was sure that he did the same, but Cas had immediately wrapped his arms around Dean and held tight, squeezing as if Dean was the lifeline that he had needed this whole time. Dean hadn’t noticed, he didn’t know. He didn’t-

Dean realized he was saying ‘sorry’ on repeat and ‘I need you’ without even realizing it and probably seemed a blubbering mess but he didn’t care. He would be anything Cas needed right now and if that was reassurance that he was needed and that he was family and that Dean would never, ever leave him again, he would give it without a question. Because he loved the man in his arms and would give everything to erase the pain.

Time seemed irrelevant in that moment as the two men clutched each other and cried without a care of how weak they might appear to the outside eye. The clock said an hour had passed, but to the two men, it was only seconds.

“Cas, I’m sorry. I truly am. I made a mistake in making you leave when you needed us most, your family. You can stay here however long you want because we need, no, fuck it. I need you, Cas. You’re my family and I love you. I love you, Cas, alright? But I need you to talk to me, or, hell, to Sam or to...or even to some damn stranger on the phone on one of those hotlines because these scars, they show that everything is not okay and that I should have paid more attention to how you might take this whole human thing.”

“Not your fault, Dean,” Cas mumbled into his chest, still clinging. Dean moved his hand up and down Cas’s back as they began to relax into each other.

“Still didn’t help. Still didn’t notice you hurting that bad. Can you tell me why...I mean, some are really recent, Cas. What happened?” Dean asked. “You don’t have to say anything to me if you don’t want to, but I need you to talk to someone.”

Cas seemed to hesitate before speaking. “I felt that you might not want me. Every time I failed and you got mad, I failed you. Both you and Sam. I am not useful anymore without my powers, I am a burden. The first was right after I left the bunker my first time being human and it got worse afterwards. I couldn’t - still can’t - stop. It makes it feel better, Dean. I know that is wrong to mangle my vessel, but it helps. I had done it too many times on my arms and it hurt to go over wounds, so I moved to legs and eventually to my...my chest. I’m sorry.”

“Cas,” Dean croaked, feeling his emotions overwhelm again, rocking them back and forth gently. “I will always want you, powers or not. You are important, family. You always have my back and even if you never hunt again, I will want you to stay because I need you, always have and always will. I know I suck at this communication, feelings crap, but I promise you, Cas. I promise you to tell you how important you are each and every damn second for the rest of my life if that’s what you need. Just...promise me that you will talk to someone when you get the urge to, you know. Or even when you just need to talk. I know Sammy and I aren’t the best example of talking shit out, but we will be here for you.”

“I promise,” Cas said and clutched tighter. Dean ran his hand up and down Cas’s arm, feeling the newer wounds in comparison to the older wounds and Cas shuddered, trying to shy away.

“It’s okay, Cas, it’s okay,” Dean whispered.

“I am mangled, Dean. I am...not whole. How can you bear to touch me?” Cas asked.

“You once put together my not-whole body that was so distorted with darkness that I should have stayed in the pit, but you saw the light. You healed me and raised me at your own expense. This just shows that I need to help you to feel whole again. These scars don’t define you, Cas, they show that you got through some tough times, but you’re still here and kicking. Okay? Keep fighting for me, for Sammy, if not for yourself?”

“Of course, Dean. I love you as well,” Cas said and Dean continued to hold him, mapping out the scars with his fingers and Cas wept again, but Dean didn’t care. He let Cas get it out and held him as he fell apart and helped him put the pieces back together. Dean stayed that entire night, looking over Cas’s sleeping form as Cas once did for him.

That next night, Cas asked him to stay. Dean did. He did that night and the next and the next and the next until he spent every night with Cas and kept his promise to tell him that he is loved and that he is needed. Dean reminded him every damn day and Cas worked on talking. Dean knew that he wanted to cut some days, and in those days he dropped everything and just held Cas. Sometimes they talked, sometimes they didn’t. All in Cas’s time because he trusted Cas to come to him, especially after Cas asked Dean to help him get rid of his kit of razors.

Cas almost relapsed so many times that it scared Dean, but he did his best. He read all the books and helped Cas sign up to an online forum to talk to other people about the effects of cutting. Cas sometimes talked to Sam instead of him and that stung, but he never mentioned it, knowing that sometimes Cas just needed to talk to Sam. Dean did the same thing sometimes and he kept being there for Cas without pushing to the best of his ability.

Sure, he stumbled, he yelled, he started fights, he sucked at communicating sometimes, but he apologized and they talked out where they went wrong and that in itself was a huge step forward.

A year later, on the one year anniversary of Cas being cut-free, Dean made Cas burgers and cake to eat in bed and it was easy to just lean over and kiss him on the lips - after asking if it was okay, of course - and they both blushed as they pulled away only to peck a few more times.

That day, Dean massaged every inch of Cas and kissed every scar with an ‘I love you’ for each and talked about how proud he was of Cas. Cas cried again, but it was in memory of overcoming this with Dean and for fighting the urge. Dean held him for hours that day afterwards and kissed him from time to time because he could.

Sam noticed the shift between the two the next morning with Dean pecking Cas on the lips, but he didn’t mention it, only smiled at Dean when he noticed Sam in the room with wide eyes and a look that screamed  _ finally _ .

When Cas did relapse after a year and a half, Dean held him as he cried and explained that he wasn’t feeling that bad until he realized he needed to cut after Dean had gotten caught in traffic after a particularly long hunt with Sam that required the lack of communication and Cas felt the loneliness hit again. Dean cleaned him up and they talked and held each other for the rest of the day.

The next day Dean found more resources for Cas and they worked through it. Dean told Cas that he still loved him and will always love him and that he’s still proud of Cas, that he will never hate or be disgusted by Cas. He helped and Sam helped and although sometimes shit hit the fan, they got through it together.

And everything was somehow okay after and through it all. Because they had family and support and love. That was enough. It had to be. It was. It is. Because they finally noticed, they finally paid rapt attention to the silent cries for help.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading until the end! I hope you enjoyed, even though the topic was very tough. If you or anyone else is struggling, please make sure to find help, you are not alone, I promise. Always Keep Fighting. Also, if you liked, leave a kudos and a comment! :)


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